[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT A GOLD TOOTH?
FOR YOU? YOU WANT A GOOD TOOTH?
NO, NOT FOR-- I MEAN--
YOU SHOULD--I THINK THAT'D BE GREAT ON YOU.
YEAH? I MEANT FOR THE BUNNY, BUT...
DO DIMPLES MAKE HIM TOO SENSITIVE? LIKE--
DO RABBITS HAVE DIMPLES? IS THAT ONLY, LIKE, A HUMAN THING?
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH "GAME OF THRONES"? NOTHING.
* "GAME OF THRONES," YEAH *
I HAVE TO ANNOY YOU TO MAKE 'EM.
[BLOWS LIPS]
I LIKE THAT NOISE.
YOU SHOULD KEEP MAKING THAT NOISE.
[BLOWS LIPS]
IS THAT AS LOUD AS IT GETS?
[BLOWS LIPS]
THERE IT IS. WAS THAT GOOD?
YOU GOT A LITTLE SPITTLE ON YOUR... YEAH.
COMPUTER OVER THERE. FUCK.
* "GAME OF THRONES," FUCKING "GAME OF THRONES" *
NO, I DON'T WANT THE CHICKEN.
YOU CAN-- GET THE CHICKEN AWAY FROM ME.
CHICKEN. I DON'T WANT THE CHICKEN.
STOP GIVING ME THE CHICKEN.
I'M WATCHING TV. I DON'T WANT TO EAT CHICKEN.
I'M SO SICK OF CHICKEN.
AH, I CAN FEEL IT ON ME.
I CAN FEEL IT ON ME--EHH!
YOU GOT A LITTLE WING. AHH!
AH, IT'S SO GROSS. YOU WANNA EAT THAT?
IT'S SO GROSS. I WANT IT, THOUGH.
I WANT TO EAT IT.
* THRONES, YEAH
AH. OH. OH, IS THAT GOOD?
FEELS--TASTES SO GOOD, DOESN'T IT?
YOU JUST--MM. IS THAT GOOD?
YOU JUST PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH.
YOU LIKE WHEN I DO THAT?
I LIKE WATCHING YOU DO THAT. JUST KEEP LICKING IT.
OH, YEAH. RIGHT THERE.
* MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW *
OH, YEAH. CHICKEN BONER?
CAN YOU GO-- AH, YEAH.
IT'S--JUST RIGHT FROM THE END.
CAN YOU--RIGHT THERE?
I CAN'T REACH IT. AW, MAN.
I JUST--I CAN'T EVEN--
AH. NO?
AHH. MM. LIKE THAT?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
* MEOW, MEOW
* MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW *
* MEOW, MEOW, MEOW
* FUCKING "GAME OF THRONES" *
* MEOW
* THRONES
* DAENERYS TARGARYEN
* THRONES
...DOWNLOADS I GOT LAST MONTH.
NAH. WHY YOU ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT NUMBERS?
ASK ME HOW MANY DOWNLOADS.
NO. IT'S UNBECOMING.
I GOT A QUARTER MILL DOWNLOADS.
I'M JUST STARTING A DYNASTY, BABY.
OK, ONE, IT'S A FREE APP THAT GENERATES PET NAMES
FOR DOUCHEBAGS TO CALL THEIR GIRLFRIENDS.
THAT IS NOT A DYNASTY.
I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS A CLASSY DYNASTY.
I SAID IT WAS A DYNASTY NONETHELESS.
LOOK AT THAT. FLUFFLEPUSS.
WHAT IS A FLUFFLEPUSS?
YOU ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION.
I WOULD LIKE THAT. THAT'S A NICE NAME.
IT SOUNDS LIKE A SNUFFLEUFFLEPUSS.
SOMEBODY-- SNOOKI WOULD CALL HERSELF SNUFFLE--
HOW MANY DOWNLOADS DID YOU GUYS GET LAST MONTH?
UH, WE--WE DON'T KEEP TRACK OF THAT.
100,000, APPROXIMATELY.
HELLO, LADIES. WELCOME.
HOW ARE YOU THIS EVENING?
HOW ARE YOU? VERY WELL, THANK YOU.
SAY HEY TO JACOB.
HI, JACOB. HELLO. HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
ALL RIGHT, ENJOY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BRAGGING OVER HERE?
YEAH. YOU KNOW, SHE'S REALLY PROUD. MOM'S REALLY PROUD.
SHE'S SUPER PROUD. HIS DAD'S, LIKE, SUPER PROUD.
10 BUCKS. IT'S 10 BUCKS, GUYS.
10 BUCKS. I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T HEAR YOU. IS IT 10 BUCKS?
IS THAT, LIKE, 30 A PERSON? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HEY, GUYS, YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE HERE,
AND IT'S A CLASSIC MISTAKE, BUT THIS IS NOT A 10-BUCK BAR.
THIS IS A FREE BAR, A BAR WHERE THERE'S NO COVER.
IT'S FREE. IT'S A FREE BAR.
RIGHT, BUT WE'RE THROWING A MIXER WITH THE DELTA DELTA DELTAS,
SO-- WHATZA WHATZA WHA?
THE DELTA DEL-- IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT'S 10 BUCKS. OK.
IT'S 10 BUCKS. I'LL PAY FOR--
NO. NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. IT'S OK.
LET'S JUST PAY AND GO INSIDE, MAN.
NO. NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT THE 10 BUCKS.
IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING, OK?
THAT'S WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED UPON, OK,
PRINCIPLES, PEOPLE WHO STOOD UP FOR PRINCIPLES.
AND I WOULD RATHER EAT 10 BUCKS
THAN PAY TO DRINK GRASSHOPPERS
WITH TWEEDLEDEE AND TWEEDLE-DATE-RAPE HERE.
DATE RAPE? OK.
YEAH, THAT'S DEFINITELY DATE RAPE.
IT'S THE RED HAIR, MAN.
YEAH, TOTALLY. GINGER RAPE.
DO THE CARPETS MATCH THE RAPE?
YEAH, RIGHT?
RAPEY TYPE, MAYBE.
AND I WOULD RATHER EAT THAT $10
THAN PAY TO DRINK AT A BAR WHERE I'D NORMALLY DRINK FOR FREE.
YOU DRINK GRASSHOPPERS?
YOU ROOFIE PEOPLE? [LAUGHS]
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'M GOING IN, GUYS. WHAT?
YEAH. THAT'S 10 BUCKS RIGHT HERE.
WHY? NO, THAT'S--
AH, OK. COME ON.
LISTEN, ARE YOU--OK.
LISTEN, EVERYBODY, PARTY AT MY PLACE.
FREE BOOZE, NO COVER.
WHOA, CRICKETS, BRO.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SAY IT AGAIN. I DON'T THINK THEY HEARD YOU.
YEAH, THANK YOU, ASSHOLE.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, ONCE AGAIN,
PARTY AT MY PLACE. FREE BOOZE,
NO COVER, AND YOU DO NOT GET DATE RAPED.
SO LET'S THINK ABOUT THAT.
DUDE, LET'S JUST GO INSIDE.
IT'S FINE. LET'S JUST GO--
I LIVE THERE, TOO.
YOU'RE CUTTING ME OFF AT THE KNEES.
IT'S MY APARTMENT, MAN.
OK, HEY, EVERYBODY, LAST TIME. UH,
IF YOU DO NOT COME TO MY PARTY TONIGHT,
THEN YOU CANNOT COME TO ANY PARTY I THROW
FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
I'M MOTHERFUCKING JASON BOURNE.
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
NICE SCARF.
LET'S DO THIS.
UM, THEY...
GUYS, GUYS, COME ON.
WE GOT DOLLAR GRASSHOPPERS.
COME ON. GIRL, WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
YEAH, OF COURSE. YEAH, NO.
IT'S THAT WAY.
FUCKING KIDDING ME.
ALL RIGHT.
RIGHT THIS WAY. HA HA.
COME BACK.
JACOB. JACOB, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING, MAN?
DUDE, I WANNA PARTY, MAN.
YEAH, DUDE, WE GOT A HUGE PARTY RIGHT HERE.
JESUS. ALL RIGHT. WANNA GO.
[CROWD MURMURING]
[CHEERING, YELLING]
MORNING, SHANNON.
HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?
WELL, SOMEBODY WAS SCREAMING, "CALL ME SHANNON" ALL NIGHT,
AND I SORT OF TOOK A LEAP OF FAITH.
HEY, YOUR FRIEND'S A REALLY GOOD KISSER.
YEAH, KISSER.
PLEASE DON'T LET YOUR SKIN TOUCH ANYTHING IN MY APARTMENT.
EH?
DUDE, HEY, MAN, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
TELL ME YOU'VE SEEN THIS AND YOU ARE STILL THIS CALM.
IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SHANNON, IT'S IN THE BATHROOM.
SHIT, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
WOULD YOU CARE TO ELABORATE,
OR SHOULD WE JUST PUSH THE BIG RED BUTTON NOW?
THIS IS OUR GAME. YEP, EXCEPT THAT
IS A WALRUS INSTEAD OF A RABBIT.
YEAH, I CAN SEE IT'S A WALRUS. THANK YOU. HOW CAN THEY DO THIS?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN, BUT THEY DID, AND NOW WE ARE COMPLETELY FUCKED.
SALES ARE DOWN 16%.
CAN YOU PLEASE STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE?
NEGATIVE? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY MEAN?
I'M THRILLED OUR GAME GOT BASTARDIZED BY A MAJOR CORPORATION
AND IS NOW MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN EVER BEFORE.
LOOK, SALES GO UP AND DOWN ALL THE TIME. THIS COULD BE TOTALLY UNRELATED.
REALLY? YOU THINK THIS IS JUST A COINCIDENTAL NOSEDIVE
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT GAMETEKK MASS-RELEASED
AN EXACT REPLICA OF OUR GAME 16 HOURS AGO?
IT'S POSSIBLE, RIGHT? IT'S WITHIN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
GO TO APP WORLD. THEY REVIEWED IT.
THEY NEVER REVIEWED "LARRY."
NOPE.
"THIS NEW APP FROM GAMETEKK IS A PREMIERE EXAMPLE
"OF A TRULY DELICATE DESIGN AND ANIMATION
THAT DEMONSTRATES--" THIS WALRUS LOOKS DEAD INSIDE.
GO TO THE BOTTOM.
"'WALLY THE WALRUS' HAS BROKEN NEW GROUND
IN SMARTPHONE GAMING--" THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
I'M GONNA COMMENT ALL OVER THAT ARTICLE.
PLEASE DON'T DO THAT. WHAT? WHY NOT? WHY CAN'T I?
BECAUSE WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT.
MAYBE YOU ARE. I AM--OH, I AM DONE.
"jjjjjjjjj FUCK U WALLY THE WALRUS."
YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?
NO.
MM-HMM. WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH Ks.
DUDE, WE JUST GOT FUCKED BY A WALRUS.
WELL, WE ARE GONNA FUCK THAT WALRUS RIGHT BACK.
THE OTHER DAY, I WAS SITTING AT HOME BY MYSELF, DRINKING ALONE,
AND I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF, "MOTHERFUCK SHIT,
HOW COME NO ONE'S CREATED A DRINKING GAME THAT YOU COULD PLAY ALONE?"
THERE IS. IT'S CALLED ALCOHOLISM,
AND YOU HAVE IT.
MM. MM. SO HERE'S WHAT I CREATED,
DRINKING SOLITAIRE.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
HOW DO YOU PLAY IT? SIMPLE.
YOU, UH, DRINK WHILE PLAYING SOLITAIRE.
I HAVEN'T QUITE WORKED OUT THE DETAILS YET, BUT IT'S FUN.
WE'RE GONNA SUE. THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
THIS IS OUR GAME PLAN. WE'RE SUING.
UH, NO, WE'RE NOT. YEAH, WE ARE.
WE'RE GONNA SUE. LOOK AT ME. WE'RE GONNA SUE.
I KNOW MY UNCLE ONCE SUED DAVID LYNCH
FOR STEALING "MULHOLLAND DRIVE."
WHY WOULD-- THAT MOVIE LOST MONEY.
YEAH, I GET IT, BUT MY UNCLE
WAS LATER DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM, SO REST IN PEACE.
THIS IS THE THING. THIS IS THE THING, HARPER.
IF WE DON'T SUE, IT'S BASICALLY LIKE SAYING
WE VALUE OUR TIME AT LESS THAN NOTHING.
NO, NO, NO. IT'S LIKE PAYING GAMETEKK
FOR THE TIME THEY SPENT STEALING OUR IDEA.
LAST YEAR, 36 INDEPENDENT APP DEVELOPERS SUED BIG COMPANIES.
NONE OF THEM SAW A SINGLE PENNY ON SETTLEMENT.
25 WENT BANKRUPT.
YOU READ TOO MANY BLOGS.
CNN IS NOT A BLOG.
YOU GUYS WATCH TOO MANY AARON SORKIN MOVIES.
YOU'RE KINDA LIKE, BLAH-BLAH-BLAH MICRO, MINI MACHINES.
CAN'T KEEP UP. ANYHOO...
[CLEARS THROAT]
SO--SO I CALLED KEITH SHAW.
I FEEL LIKE THAT NAME SHOULD MEAN SOMETHING TO ME.
WELL, IT SHOULD. HE SET UP OUR LLC.
UH, YOU REMEMBER? WE REALLY LIKED HIM. HE'S A LAWYER.
DUDE, I DO NOT WANT TO END UP LIKE DANNY'S AUTISTIC UNCLE.
WE'RE NOT GONNA END UP LIKE DANNY'S AUTISTIC UNCLE.
OK? WE'RE JUST EXPLORING OUR OPTIONS.
TYRION LANNISTER EXPLORES HIS OPTIONS.
I PLAY IT SAFE.
YEAH, YOU PLAY IT SAFE LIKE NED STARK
AND END UP WITH YOUR HEAD CHOPPED OFF IN FRONT OF YOUR DAUGHTERS.
NOBODY WANTS THAT, NOBODY.
THAT IS A FAIR POINT.
FINE.
LET'S EXPLORE OUR OPTIONS.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ISN'T KEITH SUPPOSED TO BE HERE BY NOW?
YEAH. GUESS HE'S RUNNING LATE OR SOMETHING.
UGH.
[SIPS]
WHAT? I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,
BUT YOUR GRIMACE SAYS, "OH, THIS COFFEE
"IS THE WORST THING THAT I'VE EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH,
AND I WANT WILL AND EVERYONE TO KNOW ABOUT IT."
I HAVE A VERY EXPRESSIVE GRIMACE.
YEAH, SUPER EXPRESSIVE.
CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME THAT? YEAH.
HI.
HEY.
REFILL? UM...
NO, NO REFILL. THANKS.
UH, BLECCH. NO. OK.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, FEEL FREE TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE COUNTER
UNTIL YOU NEED SOMETHING.
WE CLOSE IN 5 HOURS.
YEAH, 5 HOURS. THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S NOT THE BOGEYMAN ROAST, BY ANY CHANCE, IS IT?
OH, YEAH.
OK, YOU NEED NEW COFFEE THEN.
IT'S--IT'S TERRIBLE.
YEAH. UM, NEW COFFEE WOULD BE GREAT.
AND ALSO I NEED SOMETHING, LIKE,
SUPREMELY DOUCHEY-SOUNDING FOR MY FRIEND OVER THERE.
HE INSISTS ON GETTING THE DOUCHIEST-SOUNDING DRINK,
LIKE, WHEREVER WE GO.
HE DIDN'T GET THE SUAVEACCINO?
THAT'S NOT A--
IS THAT A REAL THING?
SUGAR-FREE GUAVA, HAWAIIAN ESPRESSO,
AND STEAMED ALMOND MILK.
I'LL BRING IT TO YOUR TABLE. OK.
THANK YOU. MM-HMM.
OH, HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
NOTHING. IT'S ON THE HOUSE.
I MEAN, SOMEONE REALLY SHOULD HAVE WARNED YOU ABOUT IT.
I-IT'S SHIT. YEAH.
POOP IN MY MOUTH.
UM...
THANK YOU.
I DIDN'T MEAN...
[HUMMING]
[LAUGHS]
HEY.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
DID YOU GET ME THE, UH, SUAVEACCINO?
REALLY REGRETTED NOT GETTING THAT THE FIRST TIME.
HUH? OH, UM, UH, YEAH, YEAH.
UH, BUT KEITH'S NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO MAKE IT.
UM, BUSY...
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO.
UH, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA HANG FOR A SECOND.
I'M GONNA HANG FOR A SECOND, JUST, YOU KNOW--
AND JUST PEOPLE WATCH OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, JUST WATCH PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, BE IN MY OWN HEAD SPACE.
[SNIFFS] YEAH.
OK, SEE YA.
YEP. YES, INDEED.
CAN I HELP YOU?
UH, YEAH. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE--
THE OTHER GIRL THAT WAS WORKING HERE?
SHE TURNED BLACK. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?
OF COURSE. OF COURSE SHE DID. THANK YOU.
OH, SHOOT, I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO GIVE YOU YOUR SUAVEACCINO.
AH, LOOK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
MY FRIEND, HE HAD TO BOUNCE, SO DON'T SWEAT IT.
WELL, I MEAN, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
OH, THAT'S--OH. ALL RIGHT.
OH, MY GOD.
HAH. THAT BAD?
NO, IT'S SO GOOD.
IT'S SO GOOD. IT'S SO GOOD.
I'M GONNA HAVE MORE.
WELL, I GUESS THAT MAKES YOU A DOUCHEBAG.
RIGHT? BUT AT LEAST NOW YOU KNOW.
I ALREADY KNEW.
I KNOW. I KNOW YOU DID. YEP.
UH, YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ANY HELP WITH THAT OR ANY--
NOPE. I'M GOOD.
BUILDS CHARACTER.
PLUS, IT'S MORE SATISFYING TO SHOWER
WHEN YOU SMELL LIKE WET GARBAGE.
HERE. I'M GONNA HELP WITH, UH...
WHATEVER HELPS YOU FEEL MORE LIKE A MAN.
YEAH. THIS-- MAN, THIS REEKS OF ONIONS.
JUST WOW.
OH, GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT'S DISGUSTING.
WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO DISCOVER ONION
AND BE LIKE, "THIS SMELL LITERALLY MAKES ME CRY. WE SHOULD EAT THIS"?
YEAH, NOT A FAN OF ONIONS.
I LIKE IT IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT,
BUT I CAN ALSO RECOGNIZE ITS REPULSIVE QUALITIES.
YEAH, I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
HEY, WATCH THIS.
FROM DOWNTOWN.
OH, GOD, DON'T.
UH...
WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU LIKE ONIONS.
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE SUCH A SATISFYING SHOWER TONIGHT.
I'M SO SORRY.
OH! WHAT?!
AH, SO MILKY! OH, IT SMELLS SO BAD!
AHH! HOW'S IT FEEL?
IT'S ALL MILKY! OH, GOD, IT SMELLS.
IT'S MILKY! [LAUGHS]
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
[YELLS]
DUDE, I'M LOVING THE CHANGES YOU MADE
ON THE SECOND LEVEL.
I TOLD YOU THAT YELLOW WAS OFF.
CHARTREUSE NEVER MADE ANYBODY ANY FRIENDS.
NOPE. OOPS.
PROUD LARRY.
HI. IS THIS WILL?
WILL ARDEN, FOUNDER OF PROUD LARRY, INCORPORATED.
COFOUNDER, DICKHEAD. SHUT UP.
CONGRATULATIONS, WILL.
YOU HAVE WON A FREE YEAR OF COFFEE AT TRENDZ CAFE.
OH, HEY. I THOUGHT YOU SOUNDED FAMILIAR.
UM, IS IT WEIRD THAT I RECOGNIZE THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE?
IS IT WEIRD THAT YOUR BUSINESS HAS A REALLY WEIRD NAME?
WELL, IF THAT IS HOW YOU FEEL,
THEN I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR COFFEE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. BYE.
NO, WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I AM INTERESTED!
I'M VERY INTERESTED.
YES, I AM INTERESTED.
TOTALLY JUST LOVE FREE STUFF.
UM, SO HOW DO I CLAIM THE REWARD?
YOU JUST LET US POST YOUR PICTURE ON OUR IDIOT WALL.
DEAL. AND, UH, JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE SUAVEACCINO ALL WEEKEND.
OH, I GOTTA GO.
HI.
SHE DUG MY NAME OUT FROM A BOWL FULL OF BUSINESS CARDS.
SHE MUST BE REALLY INTO YOU.
HOW MANY BUSINESS CARDS DID YOU PUT IN THAT BOWL?
ABOUT 30. MM-HMM.
DUDE, FREE COFFEE!
WHOO-HOO!
I HOPE FREE COFFEE ISN'T LIKE YOU GET
ONE SMALL COFFEE EVERY TWO WEEKS.
I WANT MY FREE SHIT TO BE WORTH SOMETHING.
YEAH, REMIND ME WHY YOU'RE INVOLVING YOURSELF
IN MY PERSONAL AFFAIRS.
MY NAME IS ALSO ON THAT BUSINESS CARD,
AND I LOVE COFFEE, AND IT IS WAITING FOR ME.
DID YOU SEE HER THE OTHER DAY?
[SIGHS]
HEH. YEAH.
YEAH. I MEAN, YOU'RE LUCKY SHE TOOK THE TRASH INCIDENT SO WELL.
LAST GIRL I DATED CALLED THE COPS WHEN I GAVE HER FLOWERS.
THAT'S 'CAUSE IT WAS A FUNERAL BOUQUET.
BECAUSE I LOVED HER TO DEATH.
WHY DOES NOBODY GET THAT?
NOPE. WE GET IT.
OH, MAN, DO WE GET IT.
YOU CAN ONLY PUT ONE CARD IN THE BOWL.
IT'S AN OFFICIAL RULE. IT'S UNSPOKEN.
WELL, OFFICIAL RULES CAN'T BE UNSPOKEN, ALL RIGHT?
THE MIRANDA RIGHTS EXIST FOR A REASON.
SORRY.
PROUD LARRY.
KEITH. NO WAY.
WHAT'S UP?
HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?
HARPER. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HEY, MAN.
NOW YOU SHOW UP, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
WE WON FREE COFFEE.
COFFEE. AH.
HEY, UM, SORRY I HAD TO CANCEL THE OTHER DAY.
I JUST GET CALLED IN ON WEEKENDS SOMETIMES.
YEAH, WELL, WE COULD TALK NOW.
CAN'T. UM, I'M JUST HERE
TO PICK UP MY GIRLFRIEND FOR LUNCH,
AND THEN I GOTTA GO BACK TO THE OFFICE,
BUT LISTEN. I DEFINITELY WANT TO WORK ON THIS GAMETEKK THING.
REALLY? THAT'S AMAZING.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, WE SET UP PROUD LARRY TOGETHER.
WE CAN'T LET BIG BUSINESS TAKE HIM DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT.
NO, MAN. YEAH.
HEY. HEY.
OH.
UM...
UH, HEY, IT'S YOU AGAIN.
THAT'S--HA.
UM, UP TOP.
I TAKE IT YOU GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER.
UM, YEAH. WE MET THE OTHER DAY.
SHE INTRODUCED ME TO THE SUAVEACCINO.
AH, YES, THE DOUCHE DRINK.
YEAH, IT'S AWESOME, RIGHT?
YEAH.
SO YOU TWO ARE DATING.
YEAH, ALMOST, UM, 3 YEARS NOW.
3 YEARS. WOW.
HOW DID WE NOT KNOW THAT?
I--I HAVE NO IDEA.
WELL, A CAREER IN LAW IS THE DEATH
OF MANY FRIENDSHIPS. YEAH.
IN FACT, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING FOR LUNCH?
WE SHOULD ALL HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER.
YEP. LET ME JUST GO CLOCK OUT.
LOOK, MAN, LOOK, THANKS FOR INVITING US, BUT--
WE SHOULD. NO, WE DON'T WANT TO INTRUDE.
THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS WE'VE GOTTA BE DOING.
WE GOT A LIST, A TO-DO LIST.
PROBABLY THE WORST IDEA WOULD BE TO STAY.
WE CAN'T BARELY SIT.
IF YOU WANTED US TO BE HERE--
WE COULD-- YEAH, JUST TELL A--
WE WOULD DENY YOU.
WE COULD DO IT LATER.
PLEASE, PLEASE. SOPHIE'S GONNA LOVE YOU GUYS.
OK, YEAH.
OK.
HEH. OK.
ALL RIGHT.
NO, BUT IT WAS AN AMAZING CONCERT.
YEAH, BUT IT WAS JUST KIND OF EMBARRASSING
THAT AIR GUITAR IS PART OF OUR "HOW WE MET" STORY.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER. I AM STILL KNOWN
TO, UH... [IMITATES GUITAR]
RIP AROUND
A LITTLE BIT. YEAH.
[IMITATES GUITAR] AH, KILLER RIFF.
SO GOOD. THAT'S SUCH A GOOD RIFF.
IT'S KILLING ME.
I WOULD NOT LOOK THAT COOL
DOING SOMETHING ACTUALLY COOL.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU PLAY A REALLY MEAN AIR HARMONICA.
OR WAS IT-- YEAH, AIR HARMONICA.
HE LOVES IT, DOES IT ALL THE TIME.
REALLY? ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC,
LIKE, REALLY LOUDLY IN PUBLIC,
HE DOES THAT. DO IT. I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT.
YOU SHOULD DO THAT NOW.
[BABBLING MELODICALLY]
YEAH, ISN'T THAT GREAT?
WOW, THAT'S, UM-- THAT'S...
WHOA. THAT'S GREAT.
YEAH, HE USES A LOT OF TONGUE.
THERE'S A LOT OF TONGUE IN HIS HARMONICA.
THAT'S A NORMAL THING.
I THINK YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF THIS TALENT.
LIKE A BLIND, RETARDED PERSON EATING ORANGE.
[BELCHES]
INHERENT TALENT.
I THINK THAT I CAN ACTUALLY WORK WITH THAT.
COUNT IT OFF.
1, 2, 3.
[IMITATING GUITAR] [IMITATING HARMONICA]
THINK THEY COULD HAVE CHOSEN A BIGGER FONT?
YEAH, THEY COULD HAVE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
BIGGER THEY ARE, HARDER THEY FALL.
CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT A SETTLEMENT MEETING IN LESS THAN A WEEK.
YEAH, I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA, MAN.
KEITH ROCKS. YEAH.
STOP COVETING HIS GIRLFRIEND THEN.
I'M NOT. THAT--
WOULD YOU STOP SAYING THAT?
I'M NOT COVETING ANYTHING.
GUYS, SORRY I'M LATE. CRAZY DAY.
DUDE, WE CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE YOU GOT US A MEETING,
SO THANK YOU. YEAH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, I THINK A SETTLEMENT
IS BY FAR THE BEST OPTION FOR YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW, FULL-ON LAWSUITS ARE LIKE
RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE PAPERWORK OLYMPICS,
AND I JUST DON'T THINK LARRY HAS THE STAMINA FOR IT.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS YOU'D BE FUCKED.
GENTLEMEN, THEY'RE READY TO SEE YOU.
PLEASE FOLLOW ME.
BUT DON'T WORRY. FEELING GOOD ABOUT THIS MEETING.
GOT A FRIEND ON THE GAMETEKK LEGAL TEAM, ERIC.
HE'LL PROBABLY TAKE THE LEAD ON THIS ONE.
LOOK, THE REST OF THESE CORPORATE GUYS,
IT'S LIKE THE MINDS OF CHILDREN.
ALL THEY THINK ABOUT IS ASTHMA AND COMPETITIVE MATH?
SOMEONE HAD A FUN CHILDHOOD.
I'LL LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET.
IMAGINARY FRIENDS WILL NOT HAVE YOUR BACK IN A FIGHT.
NO MATTER HOW CLOSE YOU THINK YOU ARE,
THEY WILL RUN, AND THEY WILL HIDE.
SORRY, GUYS.
TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY.
THIS ONE'S A YOUNG C.E.O. IN THE MAKING.
YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?
NOT AT ALL. MOST OF OUR CLIENTS ARE SIXTH GRADERS.
I TAKE MATH WITH NINTH GRADERS.
I'M PRACTICALLY IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU DO MATHLETES?
WHEN AM I NOT DOING MATHLETES?
OK, UM, WHERE'S ERIC?
YEAH, UH, ERIC NEEDED A LITTLE ME TIME.
IT'S ALL HAPPY AND FUN.
OK. GENTLEMEN.
WHILE WE AGREE THERE ARE SOME SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE GAMES,
THERE ARE FAR MORE DIFFERENCES.
OURS FEATURES A WALRUS, AND YOUR FEATURES A--
A RABBIT. UH, YES, WE KNOW. THANK YOU.
CAN I ASK A QUESTION?
UM, GO AHEAD.
YOU THINK MY FATHER STOLE YOUR VIDEO GAME?
NO, NO. LOOK-- NO, I DON'T THINK THAT YOUR DAD STOLE--
I DON'T THINK YOUR DAD'S A THIEF, OK,
BUT HIS BOSSES ARE, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
WELL, YOU'RE WEARING A SHIRT, OK?
YES. SO AM I.
AND THEY'RE DIFFERENT COLORS, BUT THEY'RE BOTH
STILL SHIRTS WITH BUTTONS AND SLEEVES, RIGHT?
LOOK, I'M SORRY, GUYS.
LOOK, THIS YOUNG PERSON CAN BABBLE INCOHERENTLY
ABOUT SHIRTS AND BUTTONS ALL SHE WANTS,
BUT WE'RE HERE TO DISCUSS A SETTLEMENT, OK?
AND FRANKLY, HER PRESENCE IN THIS MEETING IS INSULTING.
[CRYING]
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
LACIE, COULD YOU GET MY DAUGHTER SOME ICE CREAM, PLEASE?
[CONTINUES CRYING]
DON'T CRY.
COME ON, DEAR.
THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ANY SETTLEMENT.
WE DON'T THINK YOU HAVE GROUNDS FOR A SUIT.
NOW, IF YOU NEED US TO PROVE THAT IN COURT,
THEN LET THE PAPERWORK BEGIN.
BUT LISTEN.
WE'RE REALLY IMPRESSED WITH YOUR GAME.
AND WE'D LIKE TO OFFER YOU JOBS,
LEAD DEVELOPERS HERE AT GAMETEKK,
FULL SALARIES, BENEFITS.
NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
UH, WE'D ACTUALLY LIKE TO THINK ABOUT IT. UM, BUT HE'S RIGHT, PROBABLY NO,
BUT WE WOULD LIKE SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.
NO, NO, WE DON'T NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WE DON'T NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL.
WE OWN 100% OF PROUD LARRY.
WE GET FULL SALARIES,
AND OUR HEALTH INSURANCE IS TOP-NOTCH,
BUT THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR IMPLYING OTHERWISE.
UH, WE'D LIKE SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WELL, YEAH.
SO IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE GONNA THINK ABOUT IT.
DUDE, WAIT UP.
YOU WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT?
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T WANT
TO SET A BRIDGE ON FIRE FOR THE SAKE OF IT.
SO YOU'D RATHER WORK FOR A BOSS
WHO THINKS YOUR NAME IS THAT GUY WITH THE IRONIC T-SHIRTS?
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE. MAYBE I LIKE IT
WHEN PEOPLE NOTICE MY T-SHIRTS.
GUYS, HEY, LOOK, DON'T WORRY, OK?
THEY'RE GONNA TAKE US SERIOUSLY
ONCE THEY SEE THE FORMAL COMPLAINT.
OK? CALL THE OFFICE.
LET'S SET UP AN APPOINTMENT
TO MEET NEXT WEEK, ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
OK?
[SIGHS]
SO YOU WANNA GRAB A PRETZEL OR SOMETHING?
CAN'T. THAT GIRL SHANNON KEEPS TEXTING ME TO HANG OUT.
I TOLD HER WE'D GRAB DINNER OR SOMETHING.
YEAH, WELL, YOU DON'T SOUND TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. SHE MIGHT BE CRAZY. TOO SOON TO TELL.
YESTERDAY, SHE TEXTED ME 18 TIMES IN 2 MINUTES.
NO, THAT SOUNDS PERFECTLY NORMAL.
YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST SHE'S NOT DATING OUR LAWYER.
YEAH. SHUT UP.
SO I WAS EATING MY PRETZEL,
AND I LOOKED OVER, AND I SAW THIS GUY ALSO EATING ONE,
AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF IF I WAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON,
I WOULD GO UP TO HIM AND TALK TO HIM
ABOUT HOW AMAZING THE PRETZELS ARE HERE.
AND THEN YOU BECAME A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON?
WELL, NO, I SAW IT WAS YOU.
OH, RIGHT. COME HERE.
I, UH--I HEARD ABOUT THE SETTLEMENT MEETING.
YEAH.
IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE RIGHT TO NOT TAKE THE JOB.
I MEAN, I HOPE SO.
I MEAN, I WOULD GO THE GRAVE DEFENDING PROUD LARRY.
I MEAN, IF I WERE YOU.
SO YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR IT.
NO! I MEAN, I USE THE INTERNET,
AND I HAD A FACEBOOK
AND A SECOND FACEBOOK ACCOUNT FOR MY BOLDER ALTER EGO
AND A TWITTER ACCOUNT UNDER MY MOM'S NAME,
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST REALIZED IT WAS SUCKING MY LIFE AWAY.
I MEAN, I FOUND MYSELF
50 PHOTOS DEEP IN SOME STRANGER'S PROFILE,
AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT AM I DOING?"
[LAUGHS]
PLUS I HAVE, LIKE, 3 ACTUAL FRIENDS,
SO I DON'T REALLY NEED A WHOLE VIRTUAL BOOK
TO KEEP TRACK OF THEIR LIVES.
WHO IS THE BOLDER ALTER EGO?
OK, HER NAME IS SOPHIA PISATSKI.
MM-HMM.
SHE'S A MEXICAN JEW... WOW.
AND AN ORPHAN WITH A SMALL CRIMINAL PAST.
NEEDY AND UNSTABLE.
I MEAN, SHE SOUNDS LIKE MY TYPE.
HA! OH, YOU HAVE A TYPE?
OH, I DO NOW, AND JUST TO BE FAIR,
I IMAGINE SOPHIA TO BE MUCH MORE VOLUPTUOUS THAN YOU.
[LAUGHS] OBVIOUSLY.
AND WITH AN ACCENT, AND ODDLY
I PICTURE HER WEARING GLASSES.
WHAT? HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF MY FATHER WERE A HANDSOME POLE
WHO UNWITTINGLY KNOCKED UP A PROSTITUTE IN CANCUN, I FEEL--
WHOA, WHOA. NO, NO.
SOPHIA'S MOTHER IS FROM ACAPULCO, THANK YOU.
OH, YES, OF COURSE. OK?
AND HALF OF HER FATHER'S FACE
WAS DISFIGURED IN THE WAR.
BUT, I MEAN, HE USED TO BE JUST HANDSOME, RIGHT,
JUST HANDSOME.
I GUESS.
WHAT WAR?
WHAT?
WHAT WAR?
YOU KNOW...
A WAR,
THE KIND THAT THEY HAVE.
RIGHT, WELL, YOU KNOW, HISTORICALLY,
THERE HAVEN'T BEEN THAT MANY CONFLICTS THAT INVOLVED POLAND, SO...
OK, LOOK, SHE'S NOT A REAL PERSON,
SO I DIDN'T FEEL OBLIGATED TO GIVE HER A CREDIBLE BACKSTORY.
NO, WELL, MAYBE HE WAS A RELATIVELY YOUNG WORLD WAR II VETERAN,
LIKE DIAPER YOUNG,
AND HE JUST HAD A VERY HIGH SPERM COUNT.
THERE YOU GO. HA HA.
IS IT WRONG THAT I WANT ANOTHER PRETZEL RIGHT NOW?
NO, I WOULD THINK SIGNIFICANTLY LESS OF YOU IF YOU DIDN'T.
OH. UM, WOW, I--I GOTTA GET GOING.
OH, UH, WELL,
THEN I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
YEAH.
UH, HEY,
UM...
YES?
YEAH. OK. OK.
WHAT?
UH, ALL RIGHT. [LAUGHS]
ALL RIGHT.
OK. [LAUGHS]
SOPHIA PISATSKI WOULD ASK YOU FOR YOUR NUMBER
SO WE COULD HANG OUT AGAIN, 'CAUSE IT WAS FUN.
WELL, I'M GONNA GIVE SOPHIA MUCH MORE THAN MY NUMBER.
I REGRET THAT. THAT WAS WEIRD.
HONESTLY, I JUST WANT TO FACEBOOK STALK YOU,
BUT YOU LIVE IN THE 19th CENTURY, SO I CAN'T DO THAT.
I ALREADY HAVE A WILL IN HERE.
DO YOU GO BY ANYTHING ELSE? NO, I DO NOT.
WILLY? WILLIAM? NO. NOPE.
WILLIAM IV? NO. NOT--
YES. NO, THAT'S CLOSE, BUT NEVER.
BIG DOUB? NO? BIG DOUB? I LIKE THAT.
NO, HOW OFTEN DO YOU TALK TO THIS WILL IN HERE?
NEVER.
NEVER? I MEAN, HE SUCKS.
THAT'S A LOT, SO I'M JUST GONNA GO AHEAD AND DELETE--OOPS.
UM, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
AND THERE WE GO.
AND...
THERE.
THANK YOU. YEAH.
OK. MM-HMM.
OK. ALL RIGHT.
[FOOT THUMPS] OH, I'M--
YEP. HEH. NICE WALKING.
OH, HEY. OH, SORRY.
I WAS-- I WAS JUST KIDDING
ABOUT THE FACEBOOK STALKING THING.
UM, I JUST USE THE INTERNET FOR BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
BIDNESS. WHAT?
NO, I DON'T-- JUST BUSINESS.
JUST BUSINESS!
HA.
OK, WE TRIED FOR A SETTLEMENT.
NOW WE FILE A FORMAL COMPLAINT, DEFEND OUR DIGNITY.
I'M NOT MUCH OF A DIGNITY GUY, ACTUALLY.
MONEY'S GOOD, THOUGH. MONEY, I LIKE.
LOOK, MAN, WE ARE GONNA WIN THIS THING,
AND THEN GAMETEKK IS GONNA BE PAYING US
NOT TO WORK FOR THEM, PAYING US.
OR WE BECOME DESTITUTE AND LOSE WHAT LITTLE RESPECT
OUR PARENTS MIGHT HAVE MUSTERED FOR OUR SO-CALLED CAREERS.
NO, LISTEN, I GOTTA GO, OK?
ME AND SOPHIE ARE GONNA CATCH
A HIGH-SCHOOL BASEBALL GAME.
WHAT? YOU'RE STILL HANGING OUT WITH HER?
YEAH, MAN. JUST 'CAUSE SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND
DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS.
IT'S--IT'S THE MODERN ERA, MAN.
MEN AND WOMEN CAN DO THESE THINGS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HI. HI.
UM, IS SOPHIE HERE?
YEAH. UM, YOU MUST BE WILL.
COME IN.
UH, YOU ARE... I'M VANESSA.
I LIVE HERE, TOO.
OK. YEP.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN,
LIKE, A BUTLER FOR A SECOND.
OH. NO?
UM, SIT. OK.
SOPHIE'LL BE OFFENDED IF YOU DON'T ACT LIKE HER COUCH
WAS CRAFTED BY MAGICIANS.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT MAGICIANS MADE FURNITURE.
[LAUGHS] YEAH.
OH. THAT'S FUNNY.
OH, YEAH. THAT'S...
RIGHT?
THIS IS MAGICAL.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
IT'S LIKE KEEBLER ELVES MADE THIS.
HEY, CAN I JUST SAY IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET YOU?
OH? YEAH.
IS IT REALLY, THOUGH?
UH, WELL, YOU CAUGHT ME.
UH, I'M LYING.
NO, IT'S NOT-- IT'S NOT BAD TO MEET YOU.
BUT, LIKE, HOW MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU'VE MET
HAVE YOU TRULY REGRETTED MEETING, YOU KNOW?
UM, SERIOUSLY? YEAH.
SERIOUSLY REGRETTED?
OK. ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO THERE.
OK.
I WAS 7 YEARS OLD, SARASOTA, FLORIDA,
FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
UH-OH.
THEY HIRED, UM, THE ACTUAL GUY WHO PLAYS RONALD McDONALD.
NO WAY.
YEAH, GENUINELY, GENUINELY TERRIFYING.
REALLY?
ARE YOU ALREADY TELLING HER
YOUR RONALD McDONALD STORY?
HE WAS SO LANKY.
WHOA.
HE WAS SO LANKY.
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S OVER.
UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
[LAUGHS]
AH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. I MEAN, I HAVE A HABIT
OF ARRIVING RIGHT AT THE END OF THINGS.
HMM. YEAH.
IS THAT GIRL CRYING?
UH, YEAH. I THINK SHE'S CRYING.
WELL, SHOULD WE DO SOMETHING?
UM...
YEAH. WE SHOULD GO TALK TO HER OR SOMETHING.
MAYBE SHE'S NOT CRYING.
[CRYING]
Will: NO, SHE IS DEFINITELY CRYING.
WELL, WE SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE HER ALONE.
I MEAN, I KNOW WHEN I'M CRYING,
I DON'T WANT TO SEE OR TALK TO ANYBODY.
OK, BUT SOMETIMES WHEN YOU'RE ALONE,
LIKE, WHEN I'M ALONE, LIKE, CRYING,
LIKE, SOMETIMES ALL I WANT IS A HUG.
DO YOU WANT A HUG?
YES. WHAT--NO. NO.
NO, NO, NO. I'M FINE. I'M FINE. I DON'T NEED A HUG.
THESE ARMS ARE MADE FOR HUGGING.
THANK YOU. THEY WERE.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY-- WE SHOULD PROBABLY JUST LET HER BE, RIGHT?
BUT WHAT IF SHE'S REALLY SAD?
YOU KNOW? AND, LIKE, IT'S SOMETHING
SHE CAN'T, LIKE, TALK TO HER PARENTS ABOUT
OR HER TEACHERS OR EVEN HER FRIENDS.
YEAH, WHAT IF IT'S LIKE THE WORST DAY OF HER LIFE?
WE HAVE TO TALK TO HER. WE DO.
WE HAVE TO TALK TO HER. WE HAVE TO.
YEAH. OK. LET'S GO.
WAIT. OK.
HUDDLE UP.
ARE YOU SURE THAT, LIKE,
YOU SHOULDN'T GO THIS ALONE?
DO YOU KNOW? WHY?
BECAUSE WHAT IF SHE'S ON HER PERIOD?
OK? AND THIS IS LIKE SOME SORT OF PERIOD CRY?
HOLD ON. SO YOU THINK THAT SHE'S HERE
ALONE ON THE BLEACHERS AFTER A BASEBALL GAME
CRYING OVER HER PERIOD?
YEP. OH, YEAH. REALLY?
IF I WERE ON MY PERIOD,
THAT'S ALL I WOULD DO. OK.
I'D JUST CRY ALL THE TIME. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD GO OVER THERE ALONE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A DECENT-LOOKING GUY.
DECENT? YOU CAN--
HANDSOME. ATTRACTIVE. DECENT?
BEAUTIFUL, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL--
THESE ARE OK. I'M FINE WITH ALL OF THESE TERMS.
THESE ARE ALL RIGHT. BUT JUST TELL HER
THAT BOYS SUCK AND SHE'S PRETTY OR SOMETHING.
IF I GO OVER AND TELL A 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL THAT SHE'S PRETTY,
I AM GONNA SPEND THE NIGHT, SEVERAL NIGHTS IN PRISON
GETTING RAPED BY SOME LARGE MAN NAMED D-TONE.
SO TAKE IT EASY. OK.
HI.
WHO ARE YOU?
UH, LOOK, WE WERE STARING AT YOU...
CRYING. LOOK, WE--
I'D OFFER YOU A TISSUE,
BUT I HAD A REALLY BIG CRY TODAY MYSELF
WATCHING "TOY STORY 3,"
SO I'M ALL OUT. SORRY.
THAT MOVIE IS SO SAD.
SHH. THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOU.
RIGHT. UM...
ARE YOU OK?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A PARTY TOMORROW,
AND THIS GUY THAT I REALLY LIKE WAS GOING TO COME...
BUT NOW HE CAN'T.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MY GRANDMA DIED.
OH, SHIT.
AND I JUST FEEL REALLY TERRIBLE, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T BE UPSET ABOUT MY STUPID PARTY, BUT I AM.
AND IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE MY GRANDMA, AND I DON'T WANNA GO HOME,
BECAUSE MY PARENTS THINK I'M CRYING ABOUT NANA, AND I'M NOT.
AND I'M PROBABLY GOING TO HELL.
I LIKE YOUR SHIRT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?
LOOK, UM...
I STARTED A FOREST FIRE ONCE.
WHAT? YEAH.
YEAH, ON MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
BUT, UH, YOU KNOW,
I WAS OUT IN THE WOODS IN THE BACK OF MY HOUSE
PLAYING WITH MY BUNNIES,
JUST TRYING TO KEEP 'EM WARM, YOU KNOW,
AND ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER,
AND THEN JUST ALL THE SCREAMING, AND, WELL,
IT WAS AWKWARD. YOU KNOW, IT WAS REAL AWKWARD
TRYING TO LIGHT THOSE CANDLES WITH ALL THE FIREMEN ABOUT,
LITTLE BUNNY BODIES EVERYWHERE.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
MY MOM STILL LOVED ME, YOU KNOW?
SO YOU THINK I'M NOT THE WORST PERSON EVER?
NO. I MEAN, NOT THE WORST.
YOU'RE NOT HITLER.
NO. [LAUGHS] I'M KIDDING.
LOOK, I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING.
NO, YOU'RE NOT THE WORST.
IT'S--YOU'RE A KID.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE GONNA FEEL BETTER. YOU WILL.
I PROMISE YOU THIS. I SWEAR.
I SWEAR ON IT. OK? IT JUST TAKES TIME.
IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR LITTLE GUY CRUSH
ALL ABOUT YOUR DEAD GRANDMA,
TRY AND GET A LITTLE PITY FRENCH KISS OUT OF THE SITUATION.
[LAUGHS] WILL!
THAT'LL PICK YOU UP. LITTLE BIT OF KISSING NEVER HURT ANYBODY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOUR GRANDMA WOULD APPROVE. I PROMISE YOU.
[BOTH LAUGH]
DO YOU FEEL ANY BETTER?
YEAH. THANKS, GUYS.
GOOD.
YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, OK?
GO MAKE OUT WITH THAT GUY.
THINK ABOUT US.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
YEAH.
YOU SEE, THE TRICK IS TO JUST PRESS
ANY AND EVERY BUTTON.
THAT'S NOT HOW THESE GAMES WERE BUILT.
IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. THERE'S NO SENSE.
WELL, LOOK AT THAT. BOOM! JUST HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH HIS DREADLOCK.
YOU GUYS DOING SOME "TEKKEN"? "TEKKEN" IT UP?
YEAH. HOLD ON. SHUT UP, MAN. HOLD ON.
OH, OH, OH. AH, AH, AH.
BAM! WHAT THE--DANNY.
DROPKICK. THAT'S JUST SO...
VIOLENT.
SO RIGHT IN THE DICK IS WHAT IT IS.
YEAH, THAT WAS PAINFUL ON A LOT OF PLACES.
FELT NICE. AH.
WHAT'D SHE SAY?
WHAT'D WHO SAY? AH, SHANNON.
WHO? YEAH, THAT LUNATIC CHICK
HE MET AT THE PARTY THE OTHER NIGHT.
SHE'S ALREADY TEXTED HIM, LIKE, WHAT,
27-- 28.
29 TIMES ALREADY TODAY.
"HEY, HARPER, GREAT DINNER LAST NIGHT."
THAT SEEMS INNOCENT ENOUGH.
YEAH, MAYBE THE FIRST 10 TIMES.
DUDE, YOU GOTTA DROP THAT CHICK MAN.
JUST SAYING, JUST DROP THE CHICK.
DROP HER. SHE'S A WEIRDO.
SHE'S A LIABILITY, OK?
HIT HER WITH BUS, A SCHOOL BUS.
SAY THE DRIVER DID IT.
YEAH, SHE IS SO DESPERATE, THOUGH.
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A GOD.
BOOM! WHAT? COME ON!
YOU SEE WHAT PRESSING ANY AND EVERY BUTTON GETS YOU?
THAT DOESN'T-- I'M NOT--
I'M NOT EVEN LOOKING, AND I GUARANTEE YOU I'M WINNING.
THERE'S A TALENT. THERE IS SOME--
THAT IS A FACE YOU ARE MAKING.
I RESENT IT IN ALL SORTS OF CAPACITIES.
WE SHOULD--WE SHOULD NOT BE FRIENDS FOREVER, BECAUSE--
YOU WANT IN ON THIS? NAH, MAN.
ACTUALLY I GOTTA GO. YOU SURE?
WHERE YOU GOTTA GO? YOU GOTTA GO BONE KEITH'S GIRLFRIEND
LIKE YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?
YOU TOLD DANNY?
WELL, I MEAN, IT WAS ONLY NATURAL.
HE DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING.
HE JUST SAID THAT YOU TWO ARE JUST FRIENDS.
YOU LIKE HANGING OUT WITH GIRLS YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH,
YOU SHOULDN'T BE HAVING SEX WITH 'EM. I GET IT.
YEAH, JUST FRIENDS. YEAH, JUST FRIENDS.
[PLAYING POORLY]
I'M--I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I'M GONNA TRY THAT AGAIN, OK?
HEY. HI.
HOW YOU DOING?
IS EVERYTHING OK?
YOU SEEM A LITTLE ANGRY AT YOUR PHONE.
NO. UH, I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE ZOO
WITH KEITH ON SATURDAY, BUT WORK.
OH. WOW, THAT GUITARIST IS REAL BAD, HUH?
IT'S NOT TUNED.
I HAVE TO TUNE IT, YOU KNOW.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU POKE FUN,
BUT SOPHIA PISATSKI LOVES MEN WHO ARE BAD AT GUITAR.
YEAH?
[WITH ACCENT] WELL, WILMER PAZ LOVES WOMEN
WHO LOVES MEN WHO ARE BAD AT GUITAR.
WILMER PAZ?
WHAT? YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE
WITH A FOREIGN INTERNET PERSONA, DID YOU?
COME ON.
OK, WILMER PAZ IS A PEASANT,
AND SOPHIA WOULD NEVER GO FOR HIM.
OK, HE MIGHT BE THE ONE-EYED BASTARD SON
OF AN IMPOVERISHED, LEGLESS BAKER
FROM A SMALL TOWN IN THE ANALUCAS, BUT I WILL TELL YOU
WHEN YOU MEET WILMER PAZ
AND YOU LOOK IN HIS ONE SOFT TURD-BROWN EYE,
YOU MARK MY PALABRAS,
YOU ARE GONNA FORGET ALL ABOUT
THAT CHUBBY LITTLE GUITARIST.
OH, REALLY?
WILMER PAZ...
HE KNOWS NO DEFEAT.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
SORRY, SORRY. ONE MORE TIME.
IT IS FINE, RONALDO.
YOU MAKE SUCH SWEET MUSIC WITH YOUR EYES ALONE.
SOPHIA, IT IS I, WILMER.
[GASPS] THE BAKER'S SON.
I AM HERE FOR YOU, MY LOVE.
HERE. I BROUGHT YOU THIS BREAD.
SOPHIA DOES LIKE BREAD.
THE BREAD IS DELICIOUS, THANK YOU.
BUT I DOUBT MY LOVER RONALDO
WILL BE PLEASED WITH YOUR ARRIVAL.
HE CAN HAVE SOME BREAD, TOO.
OH, WILMER, IT IS NOT ABOUT THE BREAD.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A CRAB RACE,
CRAB RACE FOR SOPHIA'S LOVE.
RONALDO, NO! DON'T DO IT!
ACTUALLY, A CRAB RACE SEEMS PRETTY NORMAL AND FAIR.
I GUESS IT'S OK IF YOU DO IT.
A CRAB RACE IS NORMAL AND FAIR.
I ACCEPT.
[LAUGHS] I WIN.
BEST 2 OF 3.
I WIN AGAIN.
WOW. I LOVE HOW VOLUPTUOUS I AM IN THIS WORLD.
AH, THOSE THINGS ARE REAL NICE, REAL, SO...
DON'T TOUCH THEM. DISTRACT--
CAN I JUST FOR A SECOND-- NO.
NO, THEY ARE MINE.
BUT IT'S JUST NOT IN THE REAL--
GET OFF. NO. DON'T TOUCH.
IT'S NOT REAL. ARE THEY REAL? THEY LOOK REAL.
AND THEN RONALDO DIES.
RONALDO, NO.
YEAH. SLOWLY...
FROM PAPER CUTS.
WHY?
A LOVE-TORN HEART DOES CRAZY THINGS.
GOOD-BYE, MY LOVE.
AND NOW WE FEAST.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
OH, WILMER. OPEN IT.
OK. OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
IT IS OPEN.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND EAT THIS.
IT IS BERRY. OH.
EAT IT. IT IS FOR YOU.
WILMER. OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
PUT THE BERRY IN YOUR--YEAH.
JUST LIKE THAT. MMM.
PUT THE BERRY--YEP.
OH, YOU HAVE THE LIPS AND SHOULDERS OF A MATADOR,
BUT THE SLENDER FINGERS OF A BAKER'S SON.
AND YOU, MY DARLING SOPHIA,
ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOU REALIZE.
AND AS SWEET AND, GOD--
[NO ACCENT] YOU'RE SO-- AH, MAN, YOU'RE GREAT.
AH, YOU'RE, LIKE, REALLY, REALLY GREAT.
YOU'RE JUST-- AH, YOU'RE JUST GREAT.
YOU'RE SO GREAT. AH, MAN.
UH, GRACIAS.
[GASPS] WILMER, LOOK OUT.
IT'S RONALDO, AND HE IS BACK FROM THE DEAD.
I'LL HANDLE HIM! [GASPING]
OH, MY GOD! ACK! HE'S GOT ME!
SAVE ME! SAVE ME!
I-I'M TRYING. HIS LITTLE HANDS ARE SO STRONG.
AGH! USE THE BAZOOKA! THE BAZOOKA!
THE BAZOOKA? USE THE BAZOOKA!
OF COURSE.
[GASPING]
HELP ME.
UH, I SHOULD GET THIS.
CHOKING. CHO--
AH, COME ON. AH.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
NOWHERE.
I CAN'T GET PAST THAT GLITCH ON THE SECRET LEVEL.
GOT ANY SUGGESTIONS.
NO, NOT REALLY.
THAT'S COOL.
I'LL JUST DO IT MYSELF.
HEH HEH. WHAT THE...
DUDE, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M PISSED OFF.
WAS I BEING SUBTLE?
NOPE.
WHY?
BECAUSE I AM WORKING MY ASS OFF BY MYSELF
ON A GAME THAT IS EATING THE SHIT OF AN OVERWEIGHT WALRUS.
OK, ONE, WALRUSES CAN'T BE OVERWEIGHT. THEY HAVE BLUBBER.
THEY USE IT TO KEEP WARM WHEN THEY'RE SWIMMING
IN THE COLDER WATERS OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN.
SHUT UP!
THIS IS FUCKED, MAN.
LOOK, JUST RELAX, OK, MAN?
I TALKED TO KEITH A COUPLE DAYS AGO.
THE LAWSUIT IS MOVING FORWARD.
WE'RE GOOD.
YEAH, NOTHING'S MOVING FORWARD
UNTIL YOU SIGN THE PAPERWORK FOR THE COMPLAINT.
KEITH MENTIONED THAT ON MONDAY
AT OUR MEETING THAT YOU MISSED.
SHIT.
USED TO BE STICKIES EVERYWHERE YOU HAVE TO SIGN,
BUT I TOOK THEM OFF BECAUSE I WAS ANNOYED.
I'M A LITTLE SORRY.
GREAT.
SO THEN I'LL JUST SPEND THE NEXT DECADE OF MY LIFE
LOOKING FOR THE SIGNATURES,
AND THEN I'LL RUSH IT RIGHT OVER TO KEITH.
THANKS. APPRECIATE IT.
I CAN--I CAN HELP YOU.
I--I KNOW WHERE YOU HAVE TO SIGN.
GREAT. YOU PUT THOSE STICKIES BACK ON,
AND SPEAKING OF HELP,
I NEED A RHYME FOR HOGWARTS.
I'M WRITING A LIMERICK FOR SOPHIE.
SO FAR, I'VE GOT DOG SNORTS,
POG PORTS...
ANGEL TORTS.
NO.
[STEREO PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]
KEITH.
HEY, KEITH, BUD,
IT'S WILL.
HEY, BUD, WHAT YOU DOING? YOU ROCKING OUT IN THERE?
OK.
KEITH?
HEY, BUD.
COMING IN, BUD.
WHAT, WHAT?
UH, HELLO.
[GASPS] OH! SORRY! SORRY!
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE GONNA BE, UM...
I JUST--LOOK, I JUST CAME BY TO DROP OFF THE PAPERWORK FOR KEITH.
YEAH, I PLAY HIS WII SOMETIMES WHEN HE'S WORKING.
W-WHAT WERE YOU PLAYING, LIKE "WII NAKED SWEATY JUMP TIME"?
WHAT? I'M NOT NAKED OR THAT SWEATY.
[MUSIC STOPS] OK, WELL,
UM, I AM GOING TO--
I'M GONNA SEE YOU LATER.
NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO.
KEITH SHOULD BE HERE SOON.
LET ME JUST GET DRESSED. LOOK--LOOK AWAY.
SORRY. RIGHT. RIGHT, UM...
UH...
OK.
UH...
[MUTTERING]
UH, AHEM.
UH, OH, MAN.
THIS IS--HEH.
THIS IS THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE FURNITURE I'VE EVER SAT ON.
RIGHT? KEITH KEEPS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME
THAT I NEED A NEW COUCH, AND I'M LIKE,
"YOU CAN'T TALK UNLESS YOUR COUCH IS ACTUALLY COMFORTABLE,"
WHICH IT'S NOT.
YEAH. BUT MINE REALLY, REALLY IS.
YEAH, YEAH. I'VE SAT ON YOUR COUCH.
IT'S AWESOME. UM, SO WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?
WELL, TECHNICALLY I GOT IT FROM THE GARBAGE,
SO YEAH.
OH. OH.
I MEAN, OH.
DOES IT USUALLY TAKE YOU THIS LONG TO GET DRESSED?
UM, I'M STUCK.
OH. UH, DO YOU WANT ME TO...
HELP YOU?
NO. I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.
YEAH, OK.
[EXHALES]
[CLOTH RIPS]
IS THAT THE SOUND OF REALLY EXPENSIVE FABRIC
BEING NEEDLESSLY RIPPED?
IT WASN'T THAT EXPENSIVE.
OH, OK, IT WAS REALLY, REALLY EXPENSIVE.
MY CLOTHES ARE DIRTY RIGHT NOW. OHH.
WELL, MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO DO YOUR LAUNDRY
A LITTLE MORE OFTEN, AND THEN--
COULD YOU JUST HELP ME, PLEASE?
YES, YES. OK.
CLOSE YOUR EYES. CLOSE YOUR EYES.
OH, SHEEZ.
UM, OK. WELL,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO USE MY EYES
IF I'M GONNA WANT TO GET YOU UNSTUCK.
OK, BUT JUST-- JUST DON'T LOOK AT ME.
UH, OK.
UM, W--
HEH. YOU KIND OF LOOK LIKE A LITTLE NINJA.
I'M JUST GONNA-- ALL RIGHT.
JUST GONNA-- THERE YOU GO.
UM, ALL RIGHT.
HOW'S IT LOOK?
OH, MAN, IT'S REALLY--
REALLY?
YEAH, YOU'RE SUPER-DE-DUPER CAUGHT THERE.
LOOK, I'M JUST-- I'M GONNA REACH AROUND YOU HERE.
OK. THAT'S--OK?
ALL RIGHT. SO JUST, UM...
WOW. YOU'RE REALLY CAUGHT.
CAN YOU SEE IT, THOUGH? CAN YOU--
YEAH. CAN YOU GET IT?
I'M SORRY. IT'S LIKE A--
I CAN RETIE BACK THERE.
AH, THIS TAKES ME BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL.
[BOTH LAUGH]
YOU GOT IT, THOUGH? OK. YEAH, I THINK--
OK. I THINK--I THINK I GOT IT THERE.
GOOD. GOOD.
THANK YOU. UM...
YOU'RE WELCOME.
I--I SHOULD FINISH GETTING DRESSED.
YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. OH!
OW! OH, SHIT. ARE YOU OK?
[EXHALES] OW.
HEY, BABE. HEY.
HI. WILL.
WHAT?
DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU.
WHAT'S UP, MAN? UH, YEAH.
HARPER-- HARPER TOLD ME
TO BRING BY THE PAPERWORK, SO JUST-- WAS JUST...
BRINGING THAT BY.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. HEY, BABE.
HEY.
HEY, CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?
OH, YOU KNOW, IT'S, UM--
NO, I GOTTA RUN.
I FORGOT TO GET THE--
ANYWAY, LOOK, I SIGNED ALL THE PAPERWORK,
SO IT'S ALL-- IT'S ALL SIGNED UP.
IT WAS--IT WAS GREAT...
YEP, GOOD SEEING YOU. SEEING YOU.
HEY, MY BROTHER.
[BOTH IMITATE GUITARS]
YEP, ALL RIGHT.
SEE YA.
SO I HAD A STRANGE DAY AT WORK TODAY.
DID YOU GET FIRED?
WHY WOULD I HAVE GOTTEN FIRED?
I--I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, IT'S STUPID.
YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T GET FIRED.
NEVER MIND.
YEAH, SO, UM, JACKSON
ASKED ME TO COME INTO THE OFFICE, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW, AND I'M THINKING,
YOU KNOW, MORE DOCUMENT REVIEW
OR STAY LATE OR WHATEVER.
UH, BUT THEN I WALK IN,
AND ALL THE PARTNERS ARE IN THERE.
KEITH...
I MADE PARTNER.
WHAT? YEAH.
OH, MY GOD. THAT'S AMAZING.
WHEN THEY TOLD ME, I WAS JUST LIKE,
"DUDE, DO NOT CRY RIGHT NOW."
DID YOU CRY? I HELD IT IN.
YES.
OH, BABE, WOW.
YOUR, UM--YOUR SHIRT'S REALLY RIPPED THERE.
OH.
HEH.
LOOK, I'LL JUST BUY YOU A NEW ONE
WITH MY FIRST PARTNER PAYCHECK.
MM.
AND I'M ALSO THINKING
ABOUT BUYING A REALLY NICE PAIR OF JEANS.
OH, YEAH? YEAH.
YOU KNOW, JUST 'CAUSE IT'S CASUAL FRIDAY
DOESN'T MEAN YOUR PANTS SHOULDN'T COST A SHITLOAD OF MONEY.
HEARD ONE OF THE PARTNERS SAY THAT ONCE.
EXCUSE ME.
YES, SIR?
UM, WHICH WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
OUT OF THE FILET AND THE RIB EYE?
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE IS THE RIB EYE...
[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
Danny: AND THAT'S WHY I DON'T FUCK WITH GIRLS WITH BOYFRIENDS.
I SEE A TIDAL WAVE OF WISDOM FAR OFF IN THE DISTANCE.
OK, FIRST OF ALL,
PLEASE DON'T DISMISS WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY
JUST BECAUSE I HAVE AN ACTIVE SEX LIFE
WITH A VARIED ASSORTMENT OF STRANGE WOMEN.
AFFORD ME THAT SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF.
I CAN DO THAT.
AND SECOND OF ALL,
PLEASE REMOVE THOSE DIRTY-ASS
SHOES AND SOCKS FROM MY COUCH.
THIS AIN'T YOUR HOME.
HAVE SOME RESPECT, BOY.
OK. CHRIST.
HERE COMES SOME WISDOM.
GIRLS WITH BOYFRIENDS...
ARE THE WORST.
THAT SEEMS LIKE AN AWFUL LOT OF SETUP
FOR A VERY SIMPLE DECLARATION.
OK, THAT WAS JUST MY THESIS STATEMENT.
NOW HEAR MY SUPPORTING ARGUMENT.
GOD, YOU SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME AT PRIVATE SCHOOLS.
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DID, ALL RIGHT?
GIRLS WITH BOYFRIENDS ARE LIKE A...
FUCKING SCURVY, OK,
NEW TO OUR GENERATION IN MANY WAYS.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU AND I WERE COMING UP,
THERE WAS A TIME WHERE A WOMAN WOULD MEET A MAN,
SHE WOULD MARRY THAT MAN,
AND THEN SHE WOULD DIVORCE THAT MAN.
GREAT AMERICAN TRADITION.
EXACTLY, BUT NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN,
SOMEBODY GAVE THESE BITCHES IDEAS
AND THOUGHTS AND MEMORIES,
AND THEY'RE JUST CRIPPLED BY THE FEAR
OF REPEATING AN UNHAPPY PAST.
JESUS, THAT'S BLEAK.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY I DON'T SUBSCRIBE.
I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO THAT SHIT, MAN. I CAN'T.
SO WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME,
IF I HAVE THIS RIGHT,
IS THAT SOPHIE IS DELIBERATELY TOYING WITH ME
TO FULFILL SOME SORT OF PERCEIVED EVOLUTIONARY NEED.
IS THAT RIGHT?
ENH! WRONG.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS YOU'RE FUCKING YOURSELF
IF YOU'RE GETTING TO KNOW A WOMAN WHO YOU AIN'T FUCKING.
WHY DO I KEEP GOING TO YOU FOR ADVICE?
ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST?
YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN PICK UP YOUR CHECK ON FRIDAY THEN.
JESUS CHRIST.
HOLY SHIT, DUDE. DID YOU JUST FIRE SOMEONE?
[SIGHS] YEAH.
I AM ODDLY EXCITED RIGHT NOW.
CAN WE--CAN WE JUST GET BACK TO THE GAMETEKK SITUATION?
YES. SORRY.
SO, LOOK, THEY SENT OVER
AN ANSWER TO THE COMPLAINT LAST NIGHT.
IT'S NOT GREAT.
BASICALLY THEY SAID THAT THEY'LL SEE US IN COURT.
BUT THAT'S NOT--
I MEAN, WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT.
WE'RE NOT GONNA GIVE UP.
I MEAN, MONEY DOESN'T MATTER.
MONEY DOES MATTER. THAT'S NOT SOMETHING--
THEY'VE SUCKED THE SOUL OUT OF LARRY
AND STUCK HIM IN THE BODY OF JABBA THE HUTT WITH TUSKS.
MONEY DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT IF THEY DIDN'T, MAN?
WHAT IF-- LOOK, CAN WE JUST--
CAN WE JUST-- I DON'T KNOW--
STALL THEM FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS
WHILE WE FIGURE THIS OUT?
YEAH. SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM.
OK. THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, WE REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
DO THEY EVER CRY WHEN YOU FIRE THEM?
Will: WHY ARE WE EVEN GOING TO THIS THING?
I KNOW THAT KEITH HAS BEEN MADE ALMIGHTY PARTNER,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE OUR CASE ANY LESS FUCKED.
OK, BUT HE IS STILL OUR FRIEND,
AND THIS IS HIS PARTY.
YOU KNOW THIS GAMETEKK STUFF ISN'T HIS FAULT, RIGHT?
WHATEVER.
DUDE, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
NOTHING. NOTHING IS MY PROBLEM.
MM-HMM.
WOULD SOPHIE HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT MAYBE?
THE OTHER NIGHT,
I SAW THEM KISSING.
AND IT JUST MADE ME FEEL SO SICK.
AND I CAN'T GET OVER IT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I--I'VE ACTUALLY
HAD THIS CONVERSATION PRETTY REGULARLY
IN MY HEAD FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS,
SO I AM PREPARED.
FIRST QUESTION.
IS THIS SERIOUS?
YES.
SECOND QUESTION.
HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH HER YET?
OF COURSE NOT!
OK. ALL RIGHT. NO!
GOD, I WOULDN'T DO THAT, MAN.
THIRD QUESTION.
ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE HER AN ULTIMATUM?
NO.
WELL, DUDE, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY OPTIONS THEN,
SO YOU GOTTA MOVE ON.
WELL, I COULD WAIT FOR THEM TO BREAK UP, YOU KNOW.
MARRIAGE IS MORE LIKELY AT THIS POINT THAN A BREAKUP. YEAH.
DUDE, YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT PLAYING SECOND FIDDLE.
THAT IS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF, OK?
SECOND FIDDLERS ARE BITCHES.
ALL FIDDLERS ARE BITCHES.
GRANDFATHER WAS KILLED BY A FIDDLER.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN.
I MEAN, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
YES. WHAT AM I DOING?
WE ARE LITERALLY ON OUR WAY
TO A PARTY SHE IS THROWING
FOR HER RICH, HANDSOME BOYFRIEND.
AND, LOOK, I KNOW-- I KNOW IT'S BEEN AFFECTING MY WORK, MAN, OK?
AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I'M BACK ON TEAM LARRY, ALL RIGHT?
I'M DONE BEING THE BOYFRIEND TO MY LAWYER'S GIRLFRIEND.
GOD, WHEN YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD,
IT SOUNDS SO FUCKED UP.
HEH.
TO TEAM LARRY?
TO TEAM LARRY.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
IT'S A CUTE SIGN.
KEITH HATES IT.
I NEVER SAID I HATED IT.
IT'S A SHITTY SIGN. IT'S TERRIBLE.
I MEAN, IF YOU LOOK AT IT TWICE,
I MEAN, I SEE IT NOW. I TOTALLY GET IT.
THANKS.
HEY, UH, WHERE'S WILL?
HE HAD A LONG WEEK,
SO HE WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE ALCOHOL TABLE.
YEAH.
SO YOU'RE SAYING I CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THIS WINE?
MM, WELL, YOU SAID YOU WANTED A DECENT WHITE.
THE BEST WE HAVE IS A MEDIOCRE RED.
THE WHITES ARE ALL GARBAGE.
WHAT ARE YOU, A SOMMELIER?
MM. OK. ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS UNFRIENDLY
TO WOMEN YOU BARELY KNOW?
NO. I JUST WANT SOME WINE, OK?
HERE YOU GO. GARBAGE WHITE FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
MM-MMM. DON'T SMELL. JUST CHUG.
YEP. [CHUCKLES]
WHOA. MORE.
YEP.
THAT COUCH IS LITERALLY FROM THE GARBAGE.
WOULDN'T SIT THERE IF I WERE YOU.
WHAT? NO, NO, NO. SIT ON IT.
I MEAN, IT'S LITERALLY LIKE SITTING ON A BEAUTIFUL CLOUD.
IT'S INCREDIBLE. YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY SIT ON IT.
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT SOMEBODY
GAVE BIRTH ON THAT BEAUTIFUL CLOUD.
YOU CAN SEE THE STAINS.
OK, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE FOUND THAT COUCH IN RESEDA.
OK.
IT'S RESEDA. I DON'T...
HEY...
HMM?
DO YOU WANNA GO OUT SOMETIME?
WOW. THAT WINE WENT TO YOUR HEAD PRETTY QUICKLY.
HEH. YEAH. I'D LOVE TO.
GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.
[LAUGHS]
BOTTOMS UP. ALL RIGHT.
UH-HUH. [LAUGHS] MM.
HELLO. OH!
SORRY. SORRY.
IT'S FINE. IT'S NOT LIKE RED WINE STAINS OR ANYTHING.
THAT WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM
IF YOU'D BOUGHT A DECENT CHARDONNAY
FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND'S PARTY.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT? IT'S TRUE.
HE ASKED ME OUT.
MM-HMM.
SO... SO...
[GROANING] [ROARING]
HEY.
HEY. I'M HERE TO...
OH. YOU LOOK DAPPER.
UH, YOU LOOK LIKE THE LADY VERSION OF DAPPER.
THANK YOU. UH, HERE.
IT'S FOR YOUR, UH, NEXT GATHERING.
HEY, NOT BAD.
FRIDGE?
THANK YOU. YEAH.
JUST, LIKE, NOT GETTING SUN HERE.
YEAH, YOU'RE GOOD.
I MEAN, YOU'RE IN THE SUN.
YEAH? OK. MM-HMM.
SO, UM, I HAD A PRETTY INTERESTING TIME
WITH WILL THE OTHER NIGHT.
REALLY? MM-HMM.
WHAT--WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, WE HAD REALLY INTENSE CHEMISTRY, ACTUALLY.
YOU DID?
WELL, WHEN HE FOUND OUT THAT I HAD 2 KIDS
AND ANOTHER ONE ON THE WAY, LOST INTEREST.
MM.
WHOA. MY PHONE'S VIBRATING
SO MUCH 'CAUSE SOMEONE'S CALLING ME.
HELLO. YES. I'LL BE THERE FOR THE--
GET THE CHILD INTO PREP.
NO, I'M--YOU'RE NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.
IT--NOTHING IS-- LISTEN,
I'M NOT SHALLOW, SO...
SO, UH, WHAT REALLY HAPPENED WITH WILL?
IT WAS A DUD.
C'EST LA VIE, ONCE AGAIN.
WHATEVER.
AT LEAST HE WAS WEARING A SHIRT.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
[MAN CLEARS THROAT]
BEAUTIFUL DAY, LADIES.
YEAH. YES, IT IS.
IF YOU DON'T MIND WATCHING MY BUSINESS,
I'M GONNA GO DO SOME PARKOUR.
GO FOR IT. OK.
IS HE-- WOW. NO, REALLY--
YEAH, NO, HE'S TOTALLY GOING FOR IT.
YEAH. OH, MY GOD.
OH. OK.
THAT LOOKS PAINFUL.
YEAH!
I DIDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW THAT WAS A REAL SPORT.
YEAH, NO. NOR DID I.
HAVE YOU GIVEN UP YET?
NO. STOP ASKING ME THAT.
IT'S JUST...
OVER THE COURSE OF MY DEPRESSION,
I HAVE HAD TIME TO THINK,
AND I REALIZED SOMETHING, MAN.
I REALIZED THAT THERE COMES A TIME
IN EVERY MAN'S LIFE WHERE HE MUST ADMIT DEFEAT,
GIVE UP ON HIS DREAMS, AND WAVE THE WHITE FLAG OF SURRENDER,
AND SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT? LIFE, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
"MAYBE I SHOULD GIVE UP.
MAYBE I SHOULD QUIT."
FOR US, THAT TIME IS NOW, MY FRIEND.
FOR US, THAT TIME IS SOMEWHERE AROUND LAST TUESDAY.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
SO IN SEATTLE, A JUDGE
RECENTLY RULED IN FAVOR OF A COUPLE DEVELOPERS
WHO CLAIMED THAT THEIR I.P. WAS INFRINGED UPON BY A CORPORATION.
THOSE GUYS WERE ABLE TO CONVINCE THE JUDGE
BASED ON A COMPREHENSIVE ANALYSIS OF BOTH GAMES.
A PRECEDENT HAS BEEN SET.
BUT IT DOESN'T GUARANTEE ANYTHING, AND I'M STILL,
YOU KNOW, NOT SURE IT'LL BE WORTH IT FOR YOU GUYS TO PROCEED.
IT'LL BE WORTH IT. LOOK, GUYS,
WE'RE TALKING SOME PRETTY STEEP LEGAL FEES HERE,
YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY IF THEY DECIDE TO COUNTERSUE.
UH, KEITH, CAN YOU JUST--
CAN YOU JUST GIVE US A SECOND? THANKS.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, MAN.
WE'RE ALMOST BROKE. OK.
DID YOU WANT THIS TO BE PRIVATE?
BECAUSE I CAN DEFINITELY STILL HEAR YOU.
JUST...
LOOK, WE CAN TAKE OUT LOANS.
WE CAN SELL THE LOFT IF WE HAVE TO.
WE HAVE COME TOO FAR
TO LET THEM HAVE THE SATISFACTION OF--
OF WHAT? WATCHING US BURY OURSELVES
UNDER A MOUNTAIN OF LEGAL DEBT
WHILE WALLY THE WALRUS GLOATS
AND EATS BABY SEALS THAT WE'RE PAYING FOR?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN LARRY?
HE'S A CARTOON RABBIT, MAN.
BUT DO YOU BELIEVE IN HIM?
I AM DOING THIS AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT,
BUT LET'S KEEP GOING, MAN.
YEAH. OK.
LET'S DO IT.
[CELLPHONE BUZZING] OOH.
OH, UM, I GOTTA GO.
UH, CATCH YOU LATER.
UM, YEAH, I GUESS SO.
WE'LL JUST TOUCH BASE WITH YOU.
URBANE AND SOPHISTICATED LARRY.
THERE'S AN EMERGENCY.
OK. GO. I'M SICK.
YEP, THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT AN EMERGENCY.
I'M DYING.
OH. WHAT ARE YOU DYING OF?
UM, I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY SERIOUS.
LIKE ADRIEN BRODY SERIOUS?
OK, ADRIEN BRODY IS NOT THAT SERIOUS.
HAVE YOU NOT SEEN "THE PIANIST"?
HAVE YOU NOT SEEN "THE BROTHERS BLOOM"?
NO ONE SAW "THE BROTHERS BLOOM."
I'M DYING OF TUBERCULOSIS, ALL RIGHT?
OK, SO WHAT'S THE CURE?
PRETZELS.
AH, WELL, I KNOW PRETZELS ARE GOOD FOR POLIO.
I'M NOT SURE THEY'RE GOOD FOR T.B.
DO YOU WANT TO GET A PRETZEL WITH ME?
I MEAN, I DON'T--
OHH.
MM, I DON'T KNOW.
UM, I...
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING HARPER WITH THIS LARRY THING RIGHT NOW,
SO--AHH.
BUT I KIND OF HATE HIM A BIT,
SO THAT'S--[WINCES]
WILL, IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH HERE.
FAIR ENOUGH.
I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
[GROANS]
HOLY SHIT.
Danny: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
IS THIS WHERE FUCKING LAWYERS LIVE, DUDE?
LOOK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU THAT WELL,
BUT I JUST WANT TO BE HELD BY YOU.
HEY, AFTER 18 HOLES, YOU KNOW PEOPLE BETTER THAN YOU THINK.
WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE HOLE THAT MATTERS TO ME.
THAT WAS WEIRD.
HEH. SORRY. YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE IN AN EPISODE OF "BATMAN."
YEAH. IT'S KIND OF INSANE,
AND YOU HAVE DONE QUITE WELL FOR YOURSELF.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, A YEAR AHEAD OF SCHEDULE ACTUALLY.
AND, HEY, ONCE WE WIN THAT SUIT,
THAT IS CORNER-OFFICE STUFF RIGHT THERE.
YEAH, RIGHT.
HARPER, MY FRIEND,
THIS IS A TOAST
TO YOUR SUCCESS AS WELL AS MINE.
YEAH.
WHAT SUCCESS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
ERIC IS BACK.
GAMETEKK ERIC? THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE MEETING UP NEXT WEEK
TO REOPEN DISCUSSION ON SETTLEMENTS.
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. WOW.
HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU SERIOUS?
THIS IS AMAZING NEWS. THIS IS INCRED--
WOULD IT BE TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE
OF ME TO ASK YOU RIGHT NOW TO MARRY ME?
VERY INAPPROPRIATE, BECAUSE THIS IS MY MAN, BITCH.
I'M SURE THERE'S ROOM FOR ALL THREE OF US.
HEY. HEY, GIRL.
LOOK, GUYS, THERE'S ROOM ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY,
BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO STAY ON THE COUCH, OK?
I'M ASKING SOPHIE TO MOVE IN WITH ME NEXT WEEK.
HEY. TH-THAT'S NEWS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THAT IS NEWS.
YOU'VE GOT CHOICES TO MAKE,
THAT YOU'VE MADE. THAT IS NEWS.
3 YEARS, YOU KNOW.
GUESS IT'S ABOUT TIME, RIGHT?
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
DUDE, MAN, GREAT NEWS.
SETTLEMENT DISCUSSIONS REOPENED.
WHOA. WHAT DO YOU MEAN SETTLEMENT DISCUSSION'S BEEN REOPENED?
IT MEANS WE'RE SAVED, MAN.
KEITH SAVED US.
OH. THANK GOD FOR ERIC.
THANK GOD FOR KEITH, MAN.
YEAH, WELL, I TOLD YOU IT'D WORK OUT, MAN.
YOU JUST GOTTA HAVE A LITTLE FAITH, YOU KNOW?
YEAH. UH...
WE SHOULD-- WE SHOULD CELEBRATE.
YEAH.
OH, BUT, UM...
I CAN'T RIGHT NOW. I, UH--
I GOT PLANS.
OK. YEAH.
WITH THAT GIRL VANESSA?
OH, UM, NO.
NO, IT'S-- IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
DUDE, ARE YOU-- ARE YOU SERIOUSLY
GOING TO HANG OUT WITH SOPHIE RIGHT NOW?
SO WHAT IF I AM? WHAT DOES IT--
THAT IS KEITH'S GIRLFRIEND. KEITH LOVES THAT GIRL, MAN.
I KNOW, ALL RIGHT? SHE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE BIT OF HELP WITH SOMETHING,
SO I'M HELPING HER OUT. WE'RE FRIENDS, OK?
OH, OK, GREAT. SO WE'RE FRIENDS.
I CAN COME, RIGHT? NO.
I'M GONNA GRAB MY JACKET.
WE'RE ALL FRIENDS. NO.
NO, DON'T. STOP. I COULD JUST COME.
STOP. NO. WE CAN ALL BE THERE TOGETHER,
HELPING EACH OTHER. NO. NO.
I LOVE YOU. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
DOING SOME FRIENDSHIP THINGS ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
HUH.
SO IS THERE A REASON WE JUST DON'T THROW THIS COUCH OUT THE WINDOW?
FATALITY RISK.
COME ON. WHAT ARE THE ODDS
THIS IS ACTUALLY GONNA LAND ON SOMEBODY?
NO, I MEAN FOR THE COUCH. IT'S OLD.
IT CAN'T SURVIVE A 2-STORY PLUNGE.
YOU REALIZE THAT WE'RE TAKING THIS TO THE GARBAGE, RIGHT?
NO, WE'RE TAKING IT TO THE CURB
SO SOMEBODY CAN GIVE IT A GOOD HOME.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS?
I'M NOT SURE THE "IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING,
SET IT FREE" MANTRA APPLIES TO COUCHES.
WELL, KEITH HAS BEEN DYING TO BUY ME A NEW COUCH,
AND HE SAID HE'S GONNA HAVE THE DELIVERY PEOPLE
DISPOSE OF IT WHEN THEY BRING THE NEW ONE,
BUT IT JUST SOUNDS SO COLD, YOU KNOW.
DEFINITELY. I MEAN, YOU GOTTA GIVE
YOUR GARBAGE COUCH THE PROPER SEND-OFF.
[BOTH GRUNT]
ARE YOU SURE YOU GOT THIS?
YEP, I'M GOOD.
OK, THIS IS REALLY HEAVY.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S A COUCH, SO COUCHES ARE HEAVY...
THIS WAS A BAD IDEA. NOT A BOX OF--WHAT?
OK, UM... NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S SLIPPING.
WHOA! WHOA! [YELLING]
[GROANS] I'M FINE.
[GROANS] HEH.
YOU JUST CHECK OUT ON THE COUCH.
OH, MY GOD.
LET ME SEE YOU.
HELLO.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT ARE YOU DO--
ALL RIGHT, BESIDES THE SWEAT STAIN,
ON YOUR BACK, I THINK-- I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE OK.
W-WHAT ABOUT THE COUCH?
WHAT?
THE COUCH.
THE COUCH, RIGHT.
UH-HUH, YEAH.
YES, OK.
OK.
[SIGHS]
SOMEONE'S GONNA WANT IT, RIGHT?
WANT IT?
LIKE IN THEIR HOME?
YEAH, OR ON THE PORCH
OR OUTSIDE SOMEWHERE.
I MEAN, IT'LL HAVE A GOOD HOME, THOUGH.
RIGHT?
UM, YEAH. I MEAN, THAT'S--
YOU KNOW, THAT'S...
ARE YOU OK?
YEAH. IT'S JUST...
I'VE HAD THIS COUCH FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.
YOU KNOW, I FOUND IT ON THE STREET,
AND I TOOK IT IN, AND I CLEANED IT,
AND I TOOK CARE OF IT, AND JUST THE THOUGHT
OF IT ENDING UP AT SOME DUMP,
GETTING PICKED APART BY SEAGULLS OR PIGEONS--
I MEAN, I KNOW THAT THIS SOUNDS COMPLETELY CRAZY, BUT--
NO. I MEAN, IT'S-- IT'S SO NORMAL.
IT'S MY COUCH. WE'VE JUST...
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW?
YEAH.
HEY, IT'S OK. IT'S OK.
[CRYING]
[SIREN PASSING]
IT'S--COME ON.
SHH.
Will: HEY, SOPHIE.
YEAH?
UM...
IF--IF WE WERE DIFFERENT PEOPLE--
LIKE, I MEAN, LIKE...
BE IN DIFFERENT LIVES,
LIKE SOPHIA AND WILMER?
YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.
EXACTLY.
LIKE, WHAT IF, UM, SOPHIA
HAD SAVED WILMER FROM RONALDO
AND THEN HE WAS, LIKE, UH,
"I OWE YOU MY LIFE."
"LET'S GET TOGETHER."
SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T SAY NO.
WILMER IS SORT OF CHARMING.
AND HANDSOME, TOO.
SO HANDSOME.
YEAH, LIKE CLOONEY HANDSOME.
OH, YES.
[TRUCK REVERSE WARNING BEEPING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
HUH?
OH.
HEY.
WAKE UP.
HMM?
WAKE UP. HMM?
WAKE UP.
HEY.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
UM...
MORNING.
SERIOUSLY?
YEAH.
I THINK THE COUCH GUYS ARE GONNA BE HERE.
UM...
DO YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
CAN YOU MAKE A SUAVEACCINO FROM HOME?
Sophie: YEAH, YEAH.
AND THAT'S THE LAST TIME THAT I'VE EVER BEEN TO A CARNIVAL.
YEAH. IT REALLY FUCKED ME UP.
KEITH.
WILL.
YOU'RE HERE EARLY.
YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S--
HE WAS JUST... I WAS HERE TO...
HELPING ME MOVE THE-- THE OLD COUCH...
HELP HER MOVE THE COUCH...
DOWNSTAIRS. DOWNSTAIRS.
[BOTH STAMMERING]
NEEDED HELP.
I TOLD YOU THAT THE DELIVERY GUY WOULD DO THAT.
WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THERE IS NO DELIVERY GUY.
WHAT, SO THEY'RE NOT BRINGING OVER A COUCH?
NO, THEY ARE.
THEY, UM,
ARE JUST TAKING IT TO MY NEW PLACE...
WITH THE REST OF MY FURNITURE.
SO, YOUR--YOUR LEASE IS UP SOON,
SO I FIGURED...
I WANT YOU TO MOVE IN WITH ME.
I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA GO.
YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA, MAN.
WHY IS IT A GOOD IDEA?
WHY IS THAT?
IS IT 'CAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY TO HELP
YOUR GIRLFRIEND MOVE AND I DID? IS THAT...
YEAH, I DON'T NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF MY GIRLFRIEND.
LOOK, HE WASN'T DOING ANYTHING.
AND DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHY I'M SO BUSY?
NO.
IT'S BECAUSE OF YOUR
FUCKING RETARDED RABBIT CASE.
I WAS OUT LATE LAST NIGHT
GETTING ERIC DRUNK ON YOUR BEHALF.
WELL, YOU KNOW, DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS.
I BEEN DOING YOU ONE HUGE-ASS FAVOR
FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.
MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN RETURN?
YOU'RE TRYING TO MOVE IN ON MY GIRLFRIEND?
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING AT ALL.
NO, MAN, I WAS HERE TO HELP HER MOVE A COUCH, OK?
THAT'S IT. YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A DICK ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY CLEARLY THE DICK IN THIS SITUATION.
NOBODY IS A DICK. CAN WE PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN?
PLEASE? YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M JUST GONNA HEAD OUT OF HERE.
I THINK I'VE GOT A RETARDED RABBIT
AT HOME THAT I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF.
YOU GUYS, YOU HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.
[GRUNTING] [SNAKE HISSES]
[DOOR OPENS]
ANOTHER SATURDAY-MORNING IRONING SESSION?
HOW'D IT GO WITH SOPHIE?
YOU'RE BURNING YOUR SHIRT.
I GOT A TEXT FROM KEITH.
WE CAN GET ANOTHER LAWYER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DESIGN LARRY A HAT.
NOT WITH LARRY. WITH KEITH'S GIRLFRIEND.
SHE JUST NEEDED HELP WITH SOMETHING, OK,
SO I--I HELPED HER.
WHY?
WHY DID YOU HELP HER
INSTEAD OF HAVING SEX WITH HER HOT ROOMMATE?
OR EVEN HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE, REALLY.
EVEN IF YOU HAD SEX WITH HER
ON A RATTY TRASH COUCH, WHICH I WOULD FEEL
A LITTLE BIT BETTER, BECAUSE AT LEAST THEN
I WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WERE DOING THIS,
BUT YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU?
THAT COUCH IS DISGUSTING.
I'M SORRY. WHAT WAS THAT? EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND.
I JUST GOTTA PULL THIS KNIFE OUT OF MY BACK.
YOU KNOW, IF--IF ANYONE SHOULD FEEL BETRAYED,
IT'S KEITH.
AH, WELL, KEITH'S ENTIRE CAREER
DIDN'T REALLY DEPEND ON THIS LAWSUIT, THOUGH, DID IT?
I HOPE THAT, AT THE VERY LEAST,
IT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT DETRIMENTAL TO HIM.
YEAH? YEAH, OK, THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
WHAT ABOUT US?
HMM? WHAT--
WHAT ABOUT ME?
KEITH HAD A FUCKING AMAZING MEETING
LAST NIGHT WITH ERIC.
I MEAN, IT WAS LITERALLY OUR ONLY CHANCE
IN THIS POINTLESS LAWSUIT,
AND YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU ACTUALLY
PICKED UP HIS CALLS ONCE IN A WHILE,
BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
OH, RIGHT. "RING-RING. HEY, KEITH.
"WHAT'S GOING ON? NO, I'M--I'M JUST WASHING
YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S FEET RIGHT NOW."
YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU, MAN!
FUCK YOU, OK? FOR MONTHS,
YOU HAVE BEEN MAKING DECISIONS FOR BOTH OF US.
AND I WAS WITH YOU BECAUSE WE'RE A TEAM,
BUT NOW YOU JUST-- NOW YOU JUST CHANGE YOUR MIND
WITHOUT EVEN CONSIDERING HOW IT AFFECTS ME.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE I WANTED
TO TAKE THAT JOB AT GAMETEKK,
BUT YOU NEVER EVEN ASKED.
OK. OK, MAN, IS THIS OVER? IS THIS--
YOU KNOW WHY "PROUD LARRY" IS SUCH A SHITTY GAME, HUH?
IT'S BECAUSE LARRY IS A STUBBORN FUCKING ASSHOLE!
IF WALLY THE WALRUS WALKS INTO A LAND MINE,
HE ADMITS THAT HE'S WRONG.
"OH, FUCK. SHIT, I'M EXPLODING.
QUICK, I GOTTA USE MY HEALTH POINTS TO HEAL MYSELF."
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT LARRY DOES IN THAT SITUATION?
LARRY JUST KEEPS LIMPING ALONG
LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT
UNTIL THE GIANT LADYBUG EATS HIM.
NOBODY LIKES A RABBIT WITHOUT HUMILITY, WILL.
THAT RABBIT JUST GETS EATEN.
ALL RIGHT, WE CAN GET ANOTHER LAWYER.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE LAWYER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.
I THOUGHT WHEN HE ASKED HER TO MOVE IN WITH HIM,
YOU'D FINALLY GET IT.
HAVE FUN DYING ALONE.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
THERE'S NOT ANY LAWYERS AT THE PARTY, ARE THERE?
HEY. HEY.
HEY, BANNON, YOU MADE IT.
YEAH, I'M AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE.
I GOT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM MY PRIVATE CELLAR.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OH, BANNON, THIS IS SOPHIE.
SOPHIE, THIS IS BANNON.
HEY. I'M THE CRANKY OLD ASSHOLE AT THE OFFICE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD.
I MAY HAVE HEARD A THING OR TWO.
[LAUGHS] [PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
THINK THEY PLAYED THIS SONG
AT SHAKESPEARE'S FUNERAL.
YEAH, USUALLY, YOU KNOW. WE'RE CLASSIC-ROCK TYPES,
BUT WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP THINGS STUFFY FOR YOU OLD FOLKS.
KEITH IS ACTUALLY AN AIR GUITAR GOD.
HE CAN PLAY THE SOLO TO "PARADISE CITY" WITH HIS EYES CLOSED.
AIR GUITAR? IS THAT RIGHT, KEITH?
NO, SHE'S KIDDING. SHE'S KIDDING.
HEY, CAN YOU BELIEVE YOUR MAN HERE?
PARTNER FOR WHAT, LIKE A MONTH,
AND ALREADY THE HEAD HONCHO'S
SENDING HIM TO HONG KONG FOR THE SUMMER.
HONG KONG?
HEY, UH, BANNY, FOLLOW ME.
I'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO THE LIQUOR CABINET.
OH, WE'VE MET.
HEY.
HEY. GOOD TO SEE YOU OUT OF THE OFFICE FOR ONCE. FOLKS.
[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT WENT WELL.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT WENT WELL?
YEAH, IT DID.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE THOSE GUYS.
AND I FEEL LIKE THAT'S RARE AT A FIRM LIKE MINE.
YOU KNOW, HONG KONG'S NOT OFFICIAL YET.
AND I CAN TURN IT DOWN.
YOU JUST MADE PARTNER.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME?
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
YEAH.
THINK ABOUT IT.
[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
[SIGHS]
[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
UH, ERIC?
AH, WILL, GRAB A SEAT.
HEY, SO IT'S--IT'S NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
IF YOU'RE HERE TO BEG FOR MERCY,
YOU SHOULD START NOW.
I'M NOT...
LOOK, I'M NOT HERE TO BEG.
WELL, THEN WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?
UM...
I CAME BY TO...
LET YOU KNOW THAT, UM...
I'M GONNA DROP THE SUIT.
WHEW. [LAUGHS]
WHAT A LOAD OFF.
MAN, I MEAN, WE ARE--
I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD
TO, UH, SLAUGHTERING YOU GUYS IN COURT,
BUT THIS IS MUCH NICER. I LIKE--
YEAH, I APPRECIATE THAT.
OK, WELL, ALSO, UM,
I WANTED TO COME BY IN PERSON
TO, UH, TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY BUSINESS PARTNER HARPER.
YEAH, YOU GUYS MADE AN OFFER TO HIM EARLIER,
AND I REALLY THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE A LOOK AT HIS WORK,
SOME OF HIS OTHER WORK AND RECONSIDER.
I THINK HE'D BE A REALLY--
A GREAT FIT FOR YOU GUYS.
IT WAS FUCKED UP WHAT YOU DID TO KEITH.
YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
EXCUSE ME?
YOU TWO WERE FRIENDS, WEREN'T YOU?
UM...
LOOK, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT ANY OF THAT HAS TO DO W-WITH US
OR WITH THIS RIGHT NOW.
YOU DON'T JUST FIRE SOMEONE FROM A JOB
BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BONER FOR THEIR GIRL.
I--I MEAN...
UM...
OK, I UNDERSTAND THAT,
AND, YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND, UH, YOU KNOW...
WE'VE ALL GOT GROWING TO DO, OBVIOUSLY,
UM, BUT, LOOK, THE REASON I CAME BY
WAS FOR MY BUSINESS PARTNER HARPER,
AND IF YOU COULD JUST--
IF YOU GUYS COULD JUST, YOU KNOW, TAKE A--
TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING,
WHAT HE'S BEEN WORKING ON, I THINK, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE GONNA BE REALLY IMPRESSED.
PLEASE.
HEY, KEITH.
UH, ONE SEC.
I'M JUST GONNA HEAD TO WORK.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO WORK.
OH. UM, WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA START PACKING FOR HONG KONG TODAY.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY HOME?
BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO MY JOB.
[LAUGHS] COME ON.
IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL JOB.
NO. RIGHT, IT'S A FAKE JOB.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOU'RE QUITTING IN 2 WEEKS,
SO WHY NOT JUST BLOW IT OFF?
KEITH, I CAN'T JUST BLOW IT OFF.
LIKE, I LIKE MY JOB.
I MEAN, I HATE WHEN YOU ASSUME
THAT THE THINGS THAT I DO JUST DON'T MATTER AT ALL.
LOOK, I'M SURE THERE'LL BE
ANOTHER TRENDY COFFEE SHOP IN HONG KONG, OK?
OK, THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
I MEAN, OK, WHAT IF I WANTED TO FINISH MY MASTER'S?
THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT 2 YEARS AGO
WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GRADUATE.
HEH.
I'M SORRY.
LOOK, I'M JUST-- I'M STRESSED OUT,
AND I'M JUST TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
OH, MY GOD, NOTHING.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
I'M JUST...
YOU KNOW, I HAVE THINGS HERE,
FRIENDS, A JOB.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?
NOTHING.
CAN WE JUST--
CAN WE JUST STOP FIGHTING?
YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK.
GLADLY.
LOOK, JUST CALL ME ON YOUR WAY HOME.
ALL RIGHT?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT HONG KONG?
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ASK ME?
I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT, THEN MAYBE WE JUST SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
WHO IS IT?
HI.
HOW DID YOU FIND WHERE I LIVE?
UM, I WORK FOR THE INTERNET,
SO IT-- IT WASN'T HARD.
STALKER.
YEAH.
IT'S FINE, SHANNON.
Shannon: AHEM.
HI.
I TOOK THE JOB.
OH, YEAH?
OH, THAT'S GREAT, MAN.
OH, I'M--
THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S REALLY GREAT.
THAT BLUBBERY FUCK SURE MAKES FOR AN EXCITING GAME, HUH?
HE'S NO LARRY.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
UH...
RIGHT. YEAH.
I SHOULD, UH...
GO AHEAD. IT'S FINE.
UM...
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND MAYBE?
YEAH.
YEP. ALL RIGHT.
AH, IT WAS GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.
YOU, TOO, MAN.
YEAH, OK.
I'M RIGHT--I'M HERE.
Shannon: WHATEVER.
[RAPS ON GLASS]
HI.
DO YOU, UM--
YOU WANT TO COME IN?
YEAH.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC FADES]